The Tabloid News Edition 6
'FROM THE EDITOR' Sadness plagues The Tabloid News offices on this fine day as we retire yet another of the Pickles line from the heralded job of Editor-In-Chief. My name is artaniS, and I’m taking over the reigns. We are saddened by the loss of Mr. Pickles, but this will in no way keep us from running his name through the mud once or twice. So, as he would say, “on with the news!” 'INVESTIGATION INTO AWARDS SHOW CALLED OFF' A special investigator was hired to look into the legitimacy of the Tabloid News Awards and the possibly voting fraud. Pucked was the loudest denouncer of the competition. He told us, “Hmph, If I didn't win the sexiest man competition AND Tie didn't, it must be a fix!” However, after a lengthy review of the accounting practices, and interviews with the late Mr. Pickles and the awards staff, it was concluded that no malfeasance of any kind occurred. The special investigator, Mr. Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law, said “we have looked into the matter thoroughly and have found Mr. Pickles’ check has cleared. I mean, we’ve found no evidence of wrong doing.” As for Mr. Pickles winning Best In Show without a nomination, it was found that nomination or not, he deserved it. 'TABLOID EDITOR DEAD: GAZETTE EDITOR SUSPECTED' After someone accused Carmela DeAngelis in the streets of using the Mafia Gazette as a front for underground terrorist organizations, she flatly denied any wrong doing, and claimed she was the ONLY editor out there. Mr. Pickles expressed some frustration over the lack of journalistic recognition, as we was, at the time, Editor-in-Chief of this fine newspaper. Mr. Pickles also promised DeAngelis that if she were arrested, there would be publicity. The current theory is that fearing the dangerous publicity by a full Tabloid News investigation, Carmela DeAngelis had Mr. Pickles killed after her arrest in a fit of professional jealousy. We’ll give you more on this story, if we live long enough. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, So, what’s a swell dame like you doing Friday night? artaniS ------------------------------------------ Dear artaniS, What the hell are you thinking? You of course. Red Ed. Note – That vacation must have done her some good. 'YOUNG GUN SEEN RUNNING FROM BULLS, BULLS CATCH UP' During the recent running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, Young Gun was running as fast as he could, but a bull caught up to him, and Young Gun was unfortunately treated by the bulls horn. Spanish doctors say he’s resting comfortably, but won’t be able to walk right for a month. Young Gun declined comment. 'GANELON LINKED TO HOLLYWOOD SCANDAL' Famed retired Godfather, Ganelon, has been linked to a Hollywood sex scandal. Apparently, he has been spending time in Hollywood bars buying drinks for young girls telling them that he is a famous producer, director, etc. He would offer them roles in movies if they would “entertain” him. When asked for comment, Ganelon said, “I learned this from Dick Gozinya.” 'COUNT SPATULA IN UNDERAGE FORKING INCIDENT' After being cooped up in the utensil drawer, Count Spatula has been charged with inappropriate contact with a minor flatware. Being in such close quarters, the famed spatula began spooning, which led to forking, which led to complaints from others about the inappropriate conduct. More on this story to come.